Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Things That Make My Skin Crawl

A friend was telling me about a new lotion she was trying. I replied, “Goodness knows, I need to find one that works. My skin gets really, really dry over the winter--to the point that putting lotion on it burns . . . "

"It puts the lotion on it's skin!"

Of course, just thinking about that movie reminded me of how much it freaked me out. In fact, it freaked me out to the point when I saw Ted Levine years later as Captain Stottlemeyer on Monk (I love that show.) I freaked out all over again. This, of course, led to another twisted conversation with my hubby.

Husband Fixture was like, "What is your problem?"

 I said, "That's BUFFALO BILL! I'd know that voice anywhere!!!!"    

Hubby shook his head. You're being paranoid. He's just an actor. Probably not even the same guy.

Me: How much do you wanna' bet? I. Know. That. Voice. And. It. Creeps. Me. The. Hell. Out.

HF: Whatever.

Me: I am so looking this up . . . (rushes to computer) SEE?!?!? Ted Levine is totally Buffalo Bill! I love Tony Shalhoub, but I don't think I can watch this.

HF: Why? He's a totally different character.

Me: He's an ACTOR. He could totally be acting NOW, but Buffalo Bill is what he's really like. He might try and make a skin suit out of me. I'm not exactly a petite girl, you know!

HF: Uhm, Buffalo Bill died in the movie, remember?

Me: Oh yeah. So now I just have to worry about Hannibal Lecter trying to eat me.

HF: With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Me: I hate you.

By the way, Jason Gray-Stanford who played Lt. Randy Disher on Monk is a lefty.

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Nuts Are Taunting Me . . .

Yesterday was my day off, and I was rumbly in the tumbly. So I grabbed a can of mixed nuts. They're the store brand, and in large print, the can proclaims, "Less than 50% peanuts." I don't know why they feel the need to inform consumers of this, since people with peanut allergies wouldn't buy them anyway. We hope . . .

Anyway, as I was noshing on the lightly salted goodness of said mixed nuts, I noticed the mix included Brazil nuts. I happened to be chatting with a friend at the time, and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Couldn't they come up with a better name than Brazil nuts? And they're not exclusively grown in Brazil, anyway.

Friend: Well, Hazelnuts probably don't come from a chick named Hazel.

Me: Probably not. But that makes it more original.

Friend: Or Peanuts...

Me: Yeah, but that at least has the comical homonym of penis*

Friend: Great. I'll never eat a PB&J again...

Me: Well, most penises aren't spreadable. But maybe if you stick with the chunky kind . . .

Want my can of nuts?

I need to get it away from me, but just staring at the can hasn't worked.

Friend: "Want my can of nuts?" That sounds way, way more fun than it actually is.

Me: Yeah, I know. But they're lightly salted. And really tasty.

Friend:(bites tongue)

Me: I think there's only a 1/4 can left, anyway. But I don't wanna' actually pick the can up and take them to the kitchen. If I pick them up, I’ll likely open the can and eat more of them. And I’m supposed to be on a diet.

The nuts are taunting me . . .

Friend: Uh... huh. Well, guess I should hit the sack.

Me: What if there are kittens in the sack? You could hurt them.
And then PETA will be all over your ass, throwing paint at your house and shit.

Friend: My weenie dog will be my protector

Me: Hmm . . . maybe I should piss people off and invite them inside my house so they can throw paint.

Correction: PETA . .. not random people. ‘Cause that would be bad.

*Yes, I do know that "peanuts" and "penis" do not actually rhyme, but they do sound a lot alike when a kid says them.

I also asked my husband the question about Brazil nuts in my daily nag email to him.
His reply: What’s the problem with Brazil…it’s hot and there are a lot of topless women…why shouldn’t they have nuts named after them!

And THAT is why I love my husband.

I have some amusing friends, too. But my husband has to live with me, and still manages to be funny.